Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Too Much Fun!

Hello Everyone

Today was actually a great day. I woke up this morning, got ready and ran a few errands. Checked my facebook like always. Had lunch with the family. Then Christian's therapist came over for therapy. We ate dinner. And then went to the park for a walk and some playtime with the kids.



from the left: Mom, Christian and (me) Jackie

It's late I will add more tomorrow

<3 Jackie

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Why Not? Shania Twain

Hello Everyone,

I just finished watching the last episode of Shania Twain's Why Not? I am listening to "Today is your Day," while writing this post. I must say that watching Shania's journey to finding her voice was really inspiring to me. A lot of what she was feeling pertained to myself in many different ways. For one, Shania was in a grieving process from the death of both parents. I related this to my brother's diagnosis of autism. To me it was like a grieving process of the loss of my little brother. My brother doesn't have any speech, along with other factors autism comes with. So it's almost like I lost him.
I've always considered myself to be hard headed and almost always I kept my feelings to myself. I considered crying to be a weakness. The last thing I want is for people to see me at my weakest when I have always been considered strong. Never was I one to seek for help instead I would encourage myself to help others regardless of the situation I was in. I have had many people tell me that counseling or seeing a therapist would be best for me. It's a bit absurd because even though I appreciate therapists and counselors sometimes all we really need is for us to find ourselves without the help of therapists. Most of us just need people we can relate to so we know that we are not alone. Shania's journey was to find her voice, but also to help out others that pertained to her situation. She did exactly what she set out to do.
I have learned that it is okay to cry and let those feelings out. It's what makes us humans. I still have issues with self confidence, and being myself without mockery. I am working on it slowly, but surely as I am a work in progress. Life has brought me so many incredible opportunities and I am taking it one day at a time. Because "today is your day."


You got what it takes you can win
You got what it takes you can win
Today is your day to begin
Don't give up here, Don't cha quit
The moment is now, This is it
I know that you can then you will
Get to the top of the hill
Part of the fun is the climb
You just gotta make up your mind

{chorus}
Today is your day
And nothing can stand in your way
Today is your day
Everything's going your way
Today, Today, Today, Today

When somebody throws sticks and stones
All they can break are your bones
And life's gonna kick you around
Then kick you again when you're down

Brush yourself up, No regrets
This is as good as it gets
Don't expect more or less
Just go out and give it your best


ps hopefully I will see Shania Twain perform at Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas in 2012 (*fingers crossed)

<3 Jackie

Friday, June 10, 2011

Great mood, Good day

Today has been a great day. I feel really good.
California is having strange weather considering it's summer (technically). It's foggy and depressing; it would be better if it was raining. However, for the past few days I have started to go on daily runs and I honestly feel great. During my Spring semester of college I would hit the gym daily. I would run on the treadmill for as long as I can until I felt the need to collapse. I really love high intensity workouts because I always feel great afterwards. However, since the semester is over I haven't been able to go to the gym because of the cost. Speaking of cost, my ortho called me a few days ago to schedule an appointment because I might need braces again. For now I am trying to save up for a retainer because braces are highly expensive. My other option would be invisilign but those are much more expensive than the braces themselves. My doctor called me a bad patient because I only wore my retainer for a year and then stopped. FML

<3 Jackie

ps I will post more later today

Sunday, June 5, 2011

So Random

Hello Everyone,

So I just feel like rambling a little bit before I go to bed. For some reason my mind works best at 1 something in the morning. Anyways, today it was raining which is kind of appalling because it's summer. So I pretty much just stayed in the house and did nothing. I honestly am going stir crazy because my mind needs to be challenged constantly. I can't just sit and do nothing. I need to learn something. But now that the spring semester is over. I am just BORED!! When I was in college I was working my brain 24/7 to the point of emotional/mental breakdown. It's not as bad as it seems though. I like working under constant stress for some strange reason. This reminds of astrology. I am a Virgo. And it scares me to point out that I fit every characteristic under Virgos. Now I am not one who believes in horoscopes, but it really scares me sometimes.
Here are some of the characteristics of Virgos:

Modest and shy
Meticulous and reliable
Practical and diligent
Intelligent and analytical (okay the whole analytical thing is true to some extent. In my college class I couldn't write an essay that included analysis. I think at one point my English prof was fed up with my college essays. However, I do analyze every single aspect of my life)


On the dark side....

Fussy and a worrier
Overcritical and harsh
Perfectionist and conservative


It's so true!!

This is probably why I can never date. Because I have high expectations of men. I mean it's good to have standards but mine are over the top that I am too embarrassed to write it out.

** on a side note: I learned that the word 'hooray' is actually spelled horay! For the past 12 years I have been spelling the word wrong. Even the computer is telling me that horay is spelled wrong when it reality it's spelled correctly.

Back to dating. During my 19 years of life I have only been asked out twice and declined both times. I don't feel guilty about it because I have my morals and obviously my high standards. To be honest, I just don't have time to date. I'm far too busy with school, work and family. Right now those are my top priorities. I didn't even include friends in that micro list.

So I am listening to Hilary Duff's song Why Not and all I can say to myself is where the hell did my childhood go? It's come to the point where I realized that life moves way too fast. I need to cherish everyday as if I were to die tomorrow. Recently, I started to contemplate writing a letter (old school right?) to a friend I lost contact with months ago. I want to relive memories that I had with her. I have lost so many people during my short life that I refuse to lose any more people. Even though facebook has made me stay in contact with my past it's not the same as to hanging out with them. I rather not have to cyber socially with them. I would much rather go out for coffee and chat. In regards to facebook, not everyone has a facebook account. Anyways, back to my friend. We would hang out all the time. The only memories I  have of her are the foolish videos when we were immature and pictures. I think that writing the letter makes it much more personal. There are just so many people I want to connect with: childhood friends, elementary/jr high/high school teachers, old buddies, professors, distant family members, and so on and so forth. I have faith though, the world really is small and hopefully I will have the chance to run into them...some day.

I'm off to bed. My bff Kali is texting me and I haven't talked to her in a while.
Good Night!!

<3 Jackie

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Poor vs Rich

Hello everyone,

So I have been doing some thinking actually a lot of thinking and sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I was rich or poor?

After watching Keeping Up with the Kardashians; I get so jealous because they have the opportunity to travel and see the world. They don't seem to have financial struggles and everyday it seems that their lives are perfect. I mean how cool would it be to have almost everything you wanted? Most people die without ever having what they really want. I guess I see it as a form of financial security which at the moment I don't have at all. I work two jobs and my family works, and its barely enough to keep our heads above water, but it's never enough to actually do something fun like going to Disneyland. I just hate having to feel incompetent. I was actually looking to find a third job, but between college I just can't do it. I mean probably I can do it, but I will end up as a zombie for the rest of my life and that is no fun. What I really want is to be financially secure for life. But I ask myself the question: can money really buy you happiness? Money can buy you a house but not a home. Money can buy you sex but not true love. Money can buy you a college tuition but not a degree. In my family we are always fighting about money. My aunt is so over her head in money that she bought a BMW just to show it off and it honestly disgusts me. Yet, even though she bought her dream car she is not happy. She is Cruella. She will end up having what she wants but she is not taking any material possessions down to her grave. If someone offered me a billion dollars just for exhaling and turning it into carbon dioxide. I wouldn't take it. Because thinking it over money won't buy me happiness. Money is only a tool. If my parents died; money won't bring them back. If I failed a college class; money won't help me pass. People die over money. It's almost like a form of evil; heck what I am saying it is evil. Money can turn people into an egotist. Money is the root of all evil. People love it and hate it. ( I am so scattered, but it's almost midnight so I have an excuse).

What I really trying to say is that money won't buy you happiness regardless of anything else. I would go on further but I am so exhausted. It's been a long day and writing about money just gives me a massive headache.

Good Night

<3 Jackie

Police Academy

Hello Everyone,
Yesterday, I was looking at the different police academy's in California just to get an idea when I enter. I recently looked at one academy that is about an hour away from where I live. I looked at the requirements and I meet them all, however I am only 19 and still naive. I feel that there is still a lot to learn about life and who knows I might change my mind. Being a police officer is probably one of the greatest things that I could ever do. The thought of serving and protecting people is so fascinating to me. I have always wanted to make a difference in the lives of people. Even now, I am always willing to help others with homework, personal issues, and everything in between. I feel like I really have a "gift" to help others and quite frankly I am pretty good at it.
I guess what first inspired me to be a police officer was the TV show "Roseanne." The TV show focuses on real life issues. It's not like the TV now a days where everything is glamorized and people live in gargantuan penthouses/mansions and wear Gucci and Prada. Well anyways, Roseanne's sister Jackie (coincidence?) has always struggled to maintain relationships and honestly she really didn't know what to do with her life. Until then, she has held many jobs until one day she decided to want to be a cop because she "will gain the respect from others." Seeing Jackie as confident and in love with her job made me want to follow in her footsteps.
Another thing that inspired me was the movie Miss Congeniality with Sandra Bullock and Rush Hour with Jackie Chan (again coincidence?).
What freaks me out the most is the physical training at the academy. Not I'm not in bad shape, but I could be in BETTER shape. Just this past semester at college I religiously went to the gym as much as I can. I feel healthier and more energetic which seemed to help. I recently read the requirements in regards to the physical part of the test and I was panicking.
Apparently I need to be required to:
* run a 99 yard obstacle course
* scale a 6 foot solid wall with a 25 yard run out
* scale a 6 foot chain link fence with a 25 yard run out
* run 500 yards
* complete a 32 foot dead weight body drag (165lbs!! Lord help me)
Did I mention that I can't do a push up, curl up, sit up to save my life?
I guess I should start training now?Overall, I think becoming a police officer is probably one the best things I can do. It will make me much stronger and much more confident.
Do you think I have future in the police business?
<3 Jackie

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Teachers/Professors

Hello Everyone,

I can't stop writing!! Look up at the title; creative eh? :)

Most of us have had that one special teacher or professor that has helped us through difficult moments in our lives. They either become that person we look up to, we seek as a mentor, or as guidance. So far in my educational life ( can't think of a good word) I have looked up to 3 different teachers/professors. 2 being from college and 1 from high school.
Because I won't use names; for the sole purpose of privacy I will use "special coded names"

When I was a junior in high school I took a geology class with LMB. This teacher was one of a kind. She was funny, outgoing, smart, and had a little bit of a crazy side to her. Having her as a teacher made me realize that all teachers are human. I honestly don't remember how I connected with her, but what I do remember is that we were both a part of the special needs worlds. I don't want to get to personal, but her son had speech problems (apraxia if my memory serves me right) and my brother has autism. So we connected in such a way that we both knew how hard it is to deal with therapies and so forth and so on. It's quite funny, but I just thought about how we both had/have anxiety issues. Perhaps we connected because of anxiety? She would give me great tips on how to deal with anxiety problems and I just loved her. She was so caring and so thoughtful. She knew that I was having such a hard time with the issue of my autistic brother. And just talking to her about it made me feel really good because I knew that she cared. She even gave me her phone number in case I wanted to talk. However, I never called because I was her student at the time and I didn't know about the legalities of school policy. Either way, it was thoughtful and such a nice gesture. She really did change my life and I looked forward to coming to her class. Before graduating high school, all I knew about her was that she was expecting twins. Months later I saw a slide show of her twins in my childhood class. As I think about it, I wonder where she is at right now. I hope that she is doing well. I wish I could have stayed in contact with her over the years just to see how she is doing. She's probably going crazy with three kids!!

My first year at city college was very difficult. I was in the midst of a terrible economic crisis and spent the summer of 09' living with my aunt in Gilroy because we lost our beautiful home to foreclosure.
(Gosh, how I miss this house; it literally makes me cry. I know I shouldn't cry over a house, but this was our very first family home and to lose it..is soo devastating)



At the time, I was living in Santa Maria, CA (only city known for having Michael Jackson's court hearing) and eventually ended up living one hour down South from SM. The only good thing about moving was obviously moving with my family, but moving away from the nothingness of SM. I don't even know what my father was thinking to initiate the move to SM, regardless I am back in my hometown and nothing will keep me from moving anywhere else. So after living with my aunt for the summer. I started college immediately after graduating in 09.' I was 17 years old and such a brat because I was just immature. I didn't know anything about college. I was just lost and confused. I made my class schedule late and just took a bunch of classes that had no relevance to my major. Heck, I didn't even have a major. I don't even think I knew what a major was. Man, was I an airhead. Regardless, I took 2 criminal justice classes, a math class, and a English class. My professor in my English class was LTM and she was such a kind hearted lady. The cause for our connection started in class. I was talking about my autistic brother and the book "The Alchemist," by Paulo Coelho (great book btw). After class, she pulled me aside and she wanted to know more about my brother and so on and so forth. Apparently, I found out that her daughter has cerebral palsy. And from that conversation we connected. Just like LMB. LTM and I were both involved in the special needs world. She would give me advice and I saw her as my mentor which seems more valid in college. After the fall semester was over. We never really saw each other except around campus, but being that my college campus is enormous it was rare. I always think about her and how her daughter is doing. On a rare occasion, we will catch up briefly. However, I never have time because I'm rushing from one class period to the next. Having LTM as my professor made me realize that I am not alone in the world especially in the special needs world.

Now that the Spring semester is over and I am officially done with school until fall. I can finally relax. Moving on, I really feel that this particular English ( yes, once again another English professor) professor made such an impact on my life that I idolize her. I will call her KAM. When I first walked in my English class, KAM arrived a bit late. She had so much energy and she was very hyped up about wanting to teach. Little did I know that this class was really intense. It was college freshman comp, but I was lacking in comprehension skills which ended up hurting me in the beginning. About three weeks in the semester, I sent KAM an email and told her that I was going to withdraw from her class because I figured I would end up flunking. Immediately, she sent me an email and told me not to drop and that she and TA will help me. I figured, well why drop if the professor is wanting me to stay. She could have easily said okay good luck finding another teacher. But no she wanted to help me. And I am never one to drop a class, but I was so overwhelmed. I figured I couldn't handle it. I met her during her office hours to talk more about the class and whether or not I could pass. We started to get more personal until I told her about my autistic brother. Talking about my brother in person is such a struggle for me because it's like I'm still in mourning. I ended crying in front of KAM!! I felt so embarrassed that i couldn't even face her. I was choked up. She knew she hit a sensitive nerve and she immediately stopped. I can't even believe that my first meeting with this teacher and I end up crying. Like I am such a sap. I am never one to cry. I am strong and to me crying is a weakness especially in a professional setting. However, she was very caring and understanding and from that office hour. We became what I consider friends. I would always email her and she would reply back. We got along really good perhaps even too good. I definitely look up to her. Seriously though, KAM is living my dream. She went to Harvard (so jealous) and obtained her Ph.D from UCLA. Because the class was a hybrid class. We only met once a week, and basically we had to teach ourselves the material as well as do online assignments. However, with her guidance I passed her class with a B which isn't bad for freshman comp. I hope that I can stay in contact with her as the years go by. She inspired me to go for the AA degree in English. And because of her I want to write more and learn more. My writing isn't perfect, but I hope that as I continue to write I will get better.

Anyways, it's about 2:30am and I am going to hit the sack if insomnia lets me.
Goodnight! :)

(Just a quick tip; my blogs are very sparingly going to be edited)

<3 Jackie